My Story of Loss and Love Part IV

Ultrasound to get a due date. This explains so much. There is an empty sac. We had twins. We lost one. It explains all of the bleeding. It explains the empty feeling I had. It explains my sadness and how I knew I lost a baby.
I had a feeling I was going to have twins before I even became pregnant. I had dreams. I had a feeling. When I thought about the baby, I usually thought about two. When the first ultrasound only showed one baby, I thought I was just crazy.
I cried. I was just as sad this time as when I miscarried last time. I didn't think I would be. I am distracted this time because I have a healthy baby growing inside of me. I still get to be pregnant. I still get to have a baby. Some people feel as though I've dodged a bullet. Twins are hard. Some people act like it's no big deal. But you still have a healthy baby. Some people ignore it completely. That is my baby. I will love him/her forever.
Now I get to wait. Either my body will absorb the empty sack or I will experience full miscarriage symptoms. I just get to wait. It could be soon or it could be weeks or possibly months. More waiting. Lovely.
It is a struggle to mourn the loss of one twin and be grateful for the other. The surviving twin should be just fine. There is no reason to worry. Yeah, right. I will worry about this baby until I can hold him/her in my arms and then will start an entirely new set of worries.
Three weeks later. Another ultrasound. Already double the ultrasounds I had with my first pregnancy. I have been bleeding on and off. I was told this would happen. That doesn't mean I don't worry. I still sometimes let myself think the worst. Only for a moment. I also let myself think crazy thoughts. I stare at the empty sac. I try to make it look like there's a baby in there. I squint and think that maybe the twin just wasn't in a good position to be seen. I know this is not true.
I am extremely nervous. I lay down. There is our miracle. Moving and shaking. The baby is fine. Growing beautifully and right on schedule. The sac is still there but is much smaller. Almost gone. This should mean that the bleeding will stop soon. I hope so. Still bittersweet but I am so relieved that the baby is fine. The song we danced to at our wedding is playing when we get in the car. Sweet beautiful music as we smile.
I am finally in my second trimester. I did not know if I would get here. I thought that once I got here there would be huge relief. There is some but not as much as I wanted. I will allow myself to look at the future as though the baby is definitely coming, not as if it might. I will be thinking of names and imagining my future with a baby. I will start preparing for this little miracle. I will start celebrating our sweet baby and the love we have for it. Pin It