Some Thoughts on Our Sweet Baby's Due Date

There are many times of the year following a miscarriage that are hard. Today is one of them for me. My sweet baby's due date. I did pretty good on Mother's Day. I only was sad for a few moments. I was proud to be all of my children's mother: the one that's here, the two that no longer are, and the one that I can't wait to meet.

Every woman and every family is different. Almost as soon as I miscarried, I decided that I needed to be pregnant before my due date came. I felt somehow that would help me cope because I would have a baby in my life that I loved that wouldn't be here if I hadn't miscarried. Some women can't stand the thought of the pregnancies overlapping, some just need time to cope with the loss of their baby, and some decide they are no longer want to be pregnant. There is no wrong way to approach this. Whatever works for your family is what is right.

Women that are due around when my sweet baby was due are complaining about how uncomfortable they are and how they can't wait to meet their baby. I don't blame them. I know how uncomfortable it is at the end and how anxious I was. I just wish I was complaining, too. Some women have already had their babies and are holding and loving them and figuring out this new life. I'm so happy for them but I wish I were holding my baby, too.

I never really felt any jealousy or resentment towards other pregnant mothers. I was still incredibly happy for them. What has bothered me are the parents that seem to think their children are inconveniences. The ones that yell at their children and make them feel small and insignificant. I just want to scream at them, “Don't you know what a miracle he/she is? You are so blessed and your sweet children just want your love and attention!” Now I'm not perfect and I get frustrated and lose my cool with my daughter sometimes. I'm talking about the parents that are rude, disrespectful, and seems their number one goal is to break their poor child's beautiful spirit.

I am trying to be patient and graceful as I wait three more months to hold my baby. I will be spending today holding my miracle, as much as she'll let me. Please, go and hold your miracle(s). Appreciate how amazing they are. If you are still waiting for a miracle of your own, please notice all of the miracles around you and find the love you have in this world.

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My Story of Loss and Love Part IV

Ultrasound to get a due date. This explains so much. There is an empty sac. We had twins. We lost one. It explains all of the bleeding. It explains the empty feeling I had. It explains my sadness and how I knew I lost a baby.
I had a feeling I was going to have twins before I even became pregnant. I had dreams. I had a feeling. When I thought about the baby, I usually thought about two. When the first ultrasound only showed one baby, I thought I was just crazy.
I cried. I was just as sad this time as when I miscarried last time. I didn't think I would be. I am distracted this time because I have a healthy baby growing inside of me. I still get to be pregnant. I still get to have a baby. Some people feel as though I've dodged a bullet. Twins are hard. Some people act like it's no big deal. But you still have a healthy baby. Some people ignore it completely. That is my baby. I will love him/her forever.
Now I get to wait. Either my body will absorb the empty sack or I will experience full miscarriage symptoms. I just get to wait. It could be soon or it could be weeks or possibly months. More waiting. Lovely.
It is a struggle to mourn the loss of one twin and be grateful for the other. The surviving twin should be just fine. There is no reason to worry. Yeah, right. I will worry about this baby until I can hold him/her in my arms and then will start an entirely new set of worries.
Three weeks later. Another ultrasound. Already double the ultrasounds I had with my first pregnancy. I have been bleeding on and off. I was told this would happen. That doesn't mean I don't worry. I still sometimes let myself think the worst. Only for a moment. I also let myself think crazy thoughts. I stare at the empty sac. I try to make it look like there's a baby in there. I squint and think that maybe the twin just wasn't in a good position to be seen. I know this is not true.
I am extremely nervous. I lay down. There is our miracle. Moving and shaking. The baby is fine. Growing beautifully and right on schedule. The sac is still there but is much smaller. Almost gone. This should mean that the bleeding will stop soon. I hope so. Still bittersweet but I am so relieved that the baby is fine. The song we danced to at our wedding is playing when we get in the car. Sweet beautiful music as we smile.
I am finally in my second trimester. I did not know if I would get here. I thought that once I got here there would be huge relief. There is some but not as much as I wanted. I will allow myself to look at the future as though the baby is definitely coming, not as if it might. I will be thinking of names and imagining my future with a baby. I will start preparing for this little miracle. I will start celebrating our sweet baby and the love we have for it. Pin It

Kristen's Story

Kristen is a sweet mama friend of mine that has the most adorable, I mean ADORABLE little boy. This is her story.

We were finally pregnant!! We had been trying for 6 months and it finally happened. Now 6 months isn't a long time, but we had gotten pregnant immediately when we merely discussed the idea of starting to try with our son. So 6 months was 6 times that long. My pregnancy with my son had been so easy and uneventful really so I wasn't expecting anything less than the same journey. A week later, on a weekend, I noticed a little blood. I was certainly a little scared but knew what any Dr would say, ' some bleeding is completely normal'. I hadn't seen my Dr yet for a first appointment, so to them I wasn't a patient yet. I relaxed for the weekend knowing full well that in the back of my head if this is REALLY happening, there's not a whole lot they can do to stop it. I went in on Monday and had blood work done and an ultrasound. It was so early that all they could see was that there was indeed a small cluster of cells in my uterus. It hadn't implanted, as it shouldn't have at this point, so that was actually very comforting. It was better than nothing being there. So I went home and waited for the blood work. I had a follow up appointment in a few days for another ultrasound and blood results. The receptionist sat me in the ultrasound waiting room. I waited for a little bit before she came and got me and then I realized how ignorant she was. She asked me to go back to the other waiting room, that I wouldn't need an ultrasound because, 'I think you know what happened'. Yep, that's what she said. I wish I would have had the power to fire her right there. So I waited for my dr, she checked me out and made sure everything had cleared out on its own and said I was free to try again when I stopped bleeding.

I left that appointment heartbroken and feeling dumb. These things don't happen to me, isn't that what we all think? They happen to other people but we're invincible? I also felt so stupid for thinking that i was really pregnant and expecting that everything would be fine. However, I'm a realist. I held my head high knowing that this wouldn't stop me and it was just a blip in our radar. Eye on the prize. My husband and I took a short relaxing weekend trip to his parents house while they were away to just deal with it and get away from the real world. On our way home from this trip, we got the call that we'd be moving to Maryland. A week later my husband moved and I stayed in SC to let our son finish his school and spend more time with family.



do you know how hard it is to schedule short trips based on an ovulation span of 12 days?? I do, and I did. I had an egg, but my sperm was 9 hours away.

Ok!! It couldn't possibly happen two times in a row, right? In May we found out we were pregnant again! I was sure these things didn't happen twice in a row, what are the odds? Apparently, better than I knew. We found out we were pregnant and about a week later I had plans to meet my husband on a weekend trip to DC to celebrate his birthday. It was going to be a great trip and we were looking forward to it. The night I arrived, I started bleeding again. I held it together for the sake of my husband, he knew what was happening, but I put on a happy face somehow. We survived the weekend but I know we were both thinking about the elephant in the room the whole time. When I got back home I was so relieved to be able to get out my emotions. I am the strong one And I just felt I had to keep up that facade with him. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but that's what I did. I'm not good with emotions so I just hide them typically and this extreme situation was no exception. Some blood work and another appointment with the dr confirmed again that everything had happened on it's own and there was no surgical intervention necessary. Again, we were allowed to try again immediately. And again I was heartbroken and feeling stupid.



June was a big month. After finishing his school year, our son and I moved to MD to the rental my husband had. I immediately made a 'baseline' appointment with my old dr (we had previously lived in MD about two years prior). I just wanted to discuss the blood work my previous dr had suggested and also let him in the know of where I stood in terms of pregnancies. Everything was good down there and he was fine with running the simple blood tests to check for a couple of things. He mentioned that if I really wanted to he would put me on clomid but he wasn't pushing for it and I told him I didn't think I was quite at that point yet. That blood work came back normal. It's slightly frustrating and comforting at the same time. I'd much rather have something to fix than nothing to fix.

And a couple weeks later I'm pregnant. Third times the charm right? I hate all these sayings we have. It's only convenient when they're fitting and really annoying when they don't. The sad thing is, at this point, a positive pregnancy test isn't even exciting anymore. I said, I'm pregnant, and that was it. Nothing to be said but silently thinking, here we go again. So I cautiously made it through the first week and the second week and the third...even though I hadn't had an appointment yet, I was hesitatingly starting to spread the news. At this point the baby should have a heartbeat and after it has a heartbeat your odds of miscarriage go down greatly, so I was starting to let myself get excited. We had our first appointment at 9 weeks. We were literally sitting in the waiting room talking about baby names. We go back and the dr is acting like she's just going through the motions, yea yea do this every day, and as soon as the baby came up on the screen I knew. It wasn't in the shape of a baby. It was a cocoon. And there was no flicker to be found. The drs face immediately fell as she stumbled over her words. She measured it and it was only measuring 7 weeks. The baby died. It had a heartbeat at one point to make it to that far along, but it's heart stopped beating at 7weeks. This was not something I was expecting at all. We had made it through the first 10 day hurdle that we'd had previously, I thought we were in the safe zone. I was allowed to get dressed and then immediately head to the waiting room again to wait to schedule the 2nd opinion ultrasound and also the D&C. I know some people want to wait it out, but I felt like a fraud walking around wi a dead baby inside of me. I just wanted to get it out of me. If I could have ripped it out myself right there I would have. It made me feel like a fool. Silly woman thought she had a baby in her belly. Hysterical.

We sat in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant bellies. I had to text the babysitter to stay an extra 6 hours while we had the next ultrasound and was able to be alone. We arrived at the hospital and the ultrasound tech was a real gem. I think her best attempt at 'consoling' me was to tell me about the woman that she saw the other day that lost her baby at 40 weeks. Thank you, something else to worry about. She confirmed the original diagnosis and even brought in an upper level guy to give it a look.

We had the D&C the following day. We had our fetus sent off for testing and would have a follow up for those results and to talk options. Going in, I didn't want to know the sex of the baby because I thought if I didn't think of it as specifically a son or daughter it would be easier. Our baby had a genetic disorder called Turners syndrome. This disorder only affects females. It was our daughter we had lost. Fortunately, and unfortunately obviously, it's not hereditary and wasn't related to me or my husband genes. It's total 'luck'. And there's nothing we need to change going forward. Again, this is so frustrating. I would love to have an action plan besides, go home and have sex with your husband like you've been doing for the past year. Clearly we don't have a problem getting pregnant. My friend joked that I'm pretty fertile! The irony is that I'm having a hard time staying pregnant.


I sit here and write this 14 weeks pregnant. 2011 was shitty. But it has given us a parting gift, a peace offering that I hope to meet in August. We've had lots of appointments. All are luckily very routine And nothing out of the ordinary. I dont want to seem like a martyr, I survived this because I had to. Now that we've had this journey, I know when I hold my baby in my arms it will all be worth the wait. Once he or she gets here I would do anything for them, I just happened to start that 'anything for them' before they ever were.

I have a beautiful son to come home to and if what we experienced was the norm and he was the crazy part, that we were able to have a baby, I'd take it every day. The last loss was the hardest, in part because it just made me realize how easily it can go awry. In my head, I was so close to having a child with special needs and that was, honestly, scary. You take for granted the fact that it was easy the first time, you feel like you've earned a healthy baby and it's your right. It's nobody's right.

I had friends and family along the way that admitted they didn't what to do or say. My recommendation? Take the lead of woman it happened to. Some may want to cry on your shoulder and have you just listen to them. Others just want to move forward and you treat then normal, like you always would. Whatever you do, don't shy away from them just because it's a little awkward. If you want to, ask them what they want you to do. I had a friend ask me just that. She said, 'I don't know what to say or do'. I really appreciated that she wanted to talk to me but didn't know how to act. We know the stereotypical things before you say them and, to me, they're insincere because of that. Not to mention, in the moment, you don't appreciate that it's in a better place, or it wasn't meant to be. Honestly, screw that, I wanted THAT baby.

You do move on, but you always wonder what those babies would have brought into your life. Pin It

My Story of Loss and Love Parts II & III

Part II

Days go by, then weeks. We are sad but at peace. Midwife says go for it and boy do we. Negative tests. I'm taking too many. I'm obsessing. Take a break. My birthday, three am. I have to pee. The tests are right there. Take one, it's been almost a week. I pee on it. The lightest line in the world shows up. Is this real? I want to cleverly surprise him. I need someone to tell me I'm not crazy. I wake him. He sees it, too. We hold each other.
The fear sets in. I call for blood work. I go in. I sit in the same chair. The same chair they've been taking my blood to watch the levels go down. The needle goes in, the blood comes out. The midwife seems doubtful. I wait. They call. My levels are there but low. We'll do another test next week to see if this is a new pregnancy or still the old one. What the hell is that? Oh, yeah. No problem. We'll just wait A WEEK! Which just happens to be Christmas!
My symptoms are coming. I'm sick. I wasn't last time. Does that matter? Probably not. A week goes by. She tells me my levels are excellent as if I had something to do with it. A moment of breathing followed by fear. I need to see a heartbeat. I can't think until I've seen a heartbeat. Of course there will be a heartbeat. But why would there be? I was just on the wrong side of the statistics. Why would this be different? Why would it go so smoothly this time? There has to be a heartbeat.
I'm not living. Just existing. Going through the motions. Wishing away time. It's not working. Time drags on. Will I ever know? Do I want to know? Am I ready if it's bad news? No, I'm not. Can I handle it? Probably not.
The time is here. Time to find out. I count down the hours. Three hours until my life changes. Two hours. Good or bad? I've made it. I walk back. Heart beating out of my chest. I lay down. Warm gel on my belly. Immediately I see my baby. Then, the most beautiful site. That's a heartbeat. A perfect, beautiful heartbeat. Is this real? Relief. I can breathe. I can live. I can enjoy this time. I can dream of my next miracle. Happiness overwhelms me. Our baby is healthy. We're having a baby. I can say it now. We're having a baby!

Part II

OK, crazy lady. You get five days. Five days of joy. Then the bleeding starts. Really?!?! Light at first then heavy. It's brown. Everything says that's normal. As long as it's not bright red. Now it's bright red. As long as there isn't any pain. Now there is pain. I am losing my baby. Again. This time I saw my baby. The heartbeat. It's not just a cluster.
I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Like I'm wasting everyone's time. I know the baby is not alright. Please be alright, baby. I promise to love you. To hold you. Forever. You will be safe with me. Ask your sister. We're not too bad. Please hold on. I understand if you cannot stay. I hope I provided you with a warm loving home. I hope you have not been scared. I hope you can feel the love we have for you.
I don't call anybody. I don't want to go in and not be able to see a heartbeat on the screen. I don't want anyone to tell me what I already know. I don't want to hear the words. I don't want to see the sadness in their faces. I have my first appointment in a little over a week. I'll just wait.
The bleeding slows down and then stops. Within a week. I don't know what this means. Is this good? Is this bad? I still feel extremely pregnant. The pain wasn't as bad as last time. It didn't last as long. I was sure when it was over last time. This time I know it isn't over. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. So I just wait. I kind of pretend the bleeding never happened. I have felt like I was pretending that I was pregnant this whole time. Why not a few more days?
Time for the appointment. I feel like a fraud. I shouldn't be here. Waiting for my appointment as if everything is fine. I feel like I'm pretending. The appointment is normal. Now it's time to listen to the heartbeat. It's still early, the midwife says. She searches. She searches and searches. She seems determined to find our baby's heartbeat. I feel my heartbeat throughout my body. That's all she can pick up. It's still early, she says again. I'm worried but try to act like I'm not. She says we can do an ultrasound. Bless her. I walk into the room again. This place has been good and bad. What will it be today? I can see the baby but the midwife is searching. Searching. Searching. Squinting. Finally, she smiles. She points to the little flutter. Then the baby moves. It jumps around. It waves its little arms. That's my baby. Growing just fine. Moving around and waving at us. This is real. I deserve to be here. I think everything's going to be OK. We're going to be OK. Our baby's going to be OK. Our baby's going to be. Pin It

My Story of Loss and Love Part I

I think it is important for us to share our story. If nobody ever shared, we would all feel extremely alone. This is sort of like a journal I've kept over the past few months. I feel it is therapeutic for me to write and share what I've been through and I hope it inspires others to share their story as well.

I don't see a heartbeat. My own heart sinks. The room is spinning. Dreams dying around me. How am I breathing? Am I breathing? Breathe in, breathe out. She says something about pain. Are we really discussing this? Focus. Take one when the cramping starts. I can't focus. I hope he's listening. Is he listening? What's he doing? Is he breathing? He's breathing. One foot in front of the other. Just get out of here. If you can make it out of here, everything will be okay. Sign the paper. Make sure they know you're okay. There's the door. Run to it. No, this will be alarming. Don't be dramatic. Finally, the push of the door. I can't stop the tears now. Try to make it to the car. Are there people around? I don't know. It doesn't matter. The tears are rolling. I am sobbing. It doesn't even sound like me. Who is this sobbing lady that is so distraught? Why can't she stop? I have to stop. She will be worried about me. WAIT!! Where is she?!?! He's strapping her safely in her seat. Our perfect, beautiful miracle. More of a miracle now than ever. She came so easily. No complications, no problems. That seems like a different life. One where good things happen so simply.
Shit! We have to tell our family. We have to say the words. We have to relive this moment over and over. We have to hear the pity in their voices. We have to deliver terrible news to people we love. We stall. When it comes, we get to the point and get the hell off the phone. We hold each other. We cry. We hold our perfect miracle. Now, we have to wait. Wait for our baby with no heartbeat to be born. It was never really a baby. A cluster of cells. My cluster. It was never the size of all those fruits. Why do they use fruit? It never developed fingernails or eyelids. I was so stupid. There's not a baby in there, just a cluster of cells! I loved my cluster.
Now I am waiting for my cluster to be born. I wait days. He's being amazing. We're having so much fun together. Our family. We go everywhere. We are around lots of people. No one has a clue. I want to scream it to the world. No, I'm glad no one knows. I'm glad no one looks at me with pity. You poor thing.
Day five since we've known. The cramping starts. It is intense. How many was I supposed to take? Lots of blood. I feel my cervix opening. I'm determined to have the natural, peaceful experience I had planned. More blood. More cramping. How am I doing this? Finally, a gush. Relief. Is it over? Yes, it is. I sit. I feel empowered. It was beautiful really. My body is amazing. Goodbye, my cluster. I flush.


Parts II and III  Part IV Pin It