Boy or Girl? Old Wives' Tales.

I thought it would be fun to go through some old wives' tales to see what we could figure out!  Take a look at these and then vote in the poll at the top of the page!

One of the most popular old wives' tales is if the baby's heart rate is under 140 it's a boy, over 140 it's a girl. Baby's heart rate has been mostly in the 150s and never below 140.

Low belly.

This kid is no doubt low which means boy.

Well, I definitely experienced morning sickness but it seems to be mixed as to what that means. Most sites say that means girl.

Both the Chinese and the Mayan calendars say girl.

I had terrible headaches almost everyday for a few months and apparently that means it's a boy.

Blossoming breasts.

My face broke out and my breasts have definitely blossomed, both of which mean girl.

My hair has gotten thicker, one of the few pregnancy symptoms I am happy to get. Thicker hair means boy.

Unfortunately, I have not had many cravings this pregnancy. At least not anything like my first pregnancy. When I do want something it is usually fruit, lemonade, or sweets of some sort. Sweet is girl but sour is boy so this one is pretty split.

Dru hung his ring over my belly and it started going back and forth and then went in a circle. We did it again and it started in a circle but then started going back and forth so this one is inconclusive.  Supposedly circle is girl and back and forth is boy.

No help!

Children are supposed to be intuitive so I've asked Ila a thousand times. She has gone back and forth so many times. I think she says boy most often but she says sister more than brother. She most often says the baby has a penis but sometimes she says vulva. She says the baby's name is Alice. (I have no idea where that came from but she is pretty certain of this.) So she is no help!

UPDATE:  Ila has now decided that the baby is a girl.  She is very certain of this and gets frustrated if you say that it could be a boy.

Sounds like it is better for your self-esteem if you are pregnant with a boy. Supposedly you look better than you normally do and carry most of your weight in front. I am not fortunate enough to have these characteristics. I do not look better than I normally do and I like to carry my weight everywhere but mostly in the thighs, hips, and butt area. If this is a boy, I got screwed!

I have gone back and forth on this so many times and everyone's guesses seem to be split.  I have no idea so it really will be a wonderful surprise either way!  What do you think?  Boy or girl?  Please vote in the poll at the top of the page!

Were any old wives' tales right for you?  Were any of them dead wrong?  Are there any good ones I missed?

To see more maternity pictures, check out this post or head over to Facebook!

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Maternity Pics!

We had so much fun with Ashley Maone Photography!  She was amazing and as you can see, very talented. These are some of my favorites although it was so hard to pick.  The dress I am wearing was my mom's and the top Ila is wearing was mine!  I'm so glad we have these to look at and remember forever!  Check out Ashley's Facebook page and if you are in the Mid-Ohio Valley area, I highly recommend her! Contact her for a session ashelymaone@yahoo.com or 740-236-2259.

I've gotten a lot of compliments on my dress!  Sorry everyone, it was my mom's in the 80s!  You can either go raid your mom's closet and hope she kept some pretty pieces around or I found this super cute dress that is similar and a great price.  If someone doesn't buy it soon, I might have to snatch it up!

To see more of the pictures, check out my Facebook page!

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Update- 33 Weeks

I was pretty sure a few weeks ago that I had SPD, symphysis pubis dysfunction.  I am now certain that I do.  I am in a lot of pain and have limited mobility which is not good when you have an almost three year old and are trying to get ready for this new baby.  I am going to the chiropractor every week, doing pelvic tilts every day and wearing a super sexy maternity belt to hold my pelvis in place but still going to the grocery store is more than I can handle.  I am trying my best to stay positive but it is hard!

I also think I am developing carpal tunnel syndrome.  The palms of my hands will randomly feel like they are on fire and it radiates out to my fingers.  Just add it to the list!  This baby is trying it's damnedest to make sure it is the last baby that I ever give birth to!  Also, have you noticed how HOT it is?  Well, I have.  It is too hot.

My poor husband has to do everything.  I can't do much walking, bending, lifting, anything really.  He has to do most of the shopping, cleaning, and more cooking than he's used to.  I still do some cooking mostly sitting at the table chopping ingredients while he stands at the stove cooking the ingredients.  He also has to make sure Ila is being played with because I am not much of a playmate these days and he has to take care of me.  He's doing all of this while still working and manages to rub my sore back almost every night that he's here.  He's really stepped up and I'm very appreciative.

On to some positives.  I have made several frozen meals and am working on some more for after baby is here.  I have found the beauty of freezer to slow cooker meals.  I can make four meals in under an hour that are ready to just put in the crock pot the morning we want to eat the meal.  They are full of vegetables and healthy ingredients.  You can find more at another blog which I love, Mama and Baby Love.  So far I've made two sausage, pepper and onion meals, two fajita meals, two teriyaki chicken meals, two savory chicken meals, and three pounds of cooked ground beef with onions, peppers and garlic that I can use for anything from tacos and enchiladas to adding it to marinara or putting it on a pizza.  I'm so excited about this and have at least a dozen more I want to make.  I'm going to come up with a few of my own, too!  It's something I can do while sitting for the most part so I feel accomplished!

I also have a very active baby growing away inside of me.  Sometimes I just see the end of my pregnancy as just that, the end of my pregnancy, but I also will be given a wonderful gift and I have to try and remember that this is all happening for a reason.

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My Birth Bundle- Birthing From Within

Walking the labrynth.

We had our last Birthing From Within class this week. It was a wonderful experience that I believe better prepared me for the birth of this sweet baby and also brought me closer to my husband. Forget those classes that the hospital offers. I highly recommend this class to anybody expecting a baby whether your first or tenth.

On the last day of class, the ladies were asked to bring a birth bundle. It should contain at least three objects. One that represents the mother, one that represents the father, and one that represents the baby. It should be wrapped in a cloth of some sort that has meaning and is all bundled up but can easily be opened. We sat on the floor in a circle and shared out bundles with everyone.

For the motherly object, I chose my birth candle. It is very special to me because it was lit during the birth of two of my friends that I am incredibly inspired by. When I think of motherhood, I think of being lit up. Like being on fire. Motherhood has made me radiate with passion like the flame of a candle so I felt the candle was perfect and it is a sisterhood of support.

For the fatherly object, I chose a tree. A strong oak tree. When I think of Dru, I think of stability, reliability, safety. We got married at eighteen and twenty and are about to celebrate our ten year wedding anniversary. His roots are deep and he is always there to provide comfort and I believe he always will be. He is an introvert that needs to analyze things before diving right in. He is always changing and growing but sometimes it is not noticeable until you look back, similar to when you see a picture of the tree in your back yard from a few years ago and it looks so tiny even though you never noticed it growing. He is my tree and I feel most at home being wrapped in his branches.

For the object to symbolize the baby, I chose sunshine. When I began bleeding this pregnancy after recently miscarrying a baby, I was devastated. We all were. I would sit and cry and sing to my baby. Ila would comfort me and sing with me. We would sing, “You are my sunshine.” I would always bawl my eyes out at “please don't take my sunshine away.” We found out we had lost a twin which was really hard but we also found out we had a healthy baby whose heart was beating away. This baby is our sunshine and we are so aware of how blessed we are.

Funny story on how I got the actual object. I couldn't find anything at home that represented sunshine so I headed to the store. I asked Ila if she wanted anything and she said, “bowling”. During our four week class, our friends graciously watched Ila for us so we could get this experience. Ila played bowling there so I decided it was a good gift for me to pick up for her. While walking the ENTIRE store, I couldn't find anything to represent sunshine. I was about to leave and I looked down at the bowling set box and right on it was a picture of a sun that said, “My Sunshine” right on it. Just a moment that I felt that I was exactly where I was supposed to be doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

I added one more object to my bundle. The moonstone I wore while I was in labor with Ila. My mom gave it to me and I will wear it or at least bring it to this birth. I just felt it needed to be included.

For the cloth that bundled it all together, I used a sleeve from my great grandmother's robe and a scarf that belonged to my other great grandmother. Two very special pieces.

It was emotional to share my bundle but I'm so glad that I got the opportunity. The guys had surprises for us to end the class but I'll keep that a secret in case you are going to be attending. It was wonderful!

Did you take a birth class?

If you are in the Charleston, SC and interested in Birthing From Within classes, please check out http://www.boygirlbirthsupport.com.


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A Sling and My Boobs

Ila's Room.  Many hours spent rocking in this chair.
Not many sleeping in the crib.

Well, I think it might be true what they say. It is just different with a second child. We had everything under the sun that a baby could possibly need/want weeks before Ila was born. We had a huge baby shower where we got so much stuff, we couldn't fit it all in the car to take home and had to have our families bring some of it with them. We had a nursery decorated and furnished with a crib, comfy rocking chair, changing table and everything we thought we needed. She had so many clothes that she didn't end up wearing a lot of them. When I think about how much money was wasted, I cringe.

Look at all this stuff.  This isn't even half of it.

This time around is completely different. This baby is not getting a nursery at all. We are not getting a crib or any other furniture really. Ila never really slept in her crib so we are not purchasing a large item until we know that this baby will use it. We will put all of the baby's clothes and other items in Ila's room and closet. We did pretty good getting most things gender neutral with Ila so we don't need many supplies at all. We used cloth diapers so we don't even need diapers! All we really need for this baby for the first part of his/her life is a new sling and my boobs.

Even though we don't need much for awhile, we decided to register anyways for any friends or family members that would like to get us something to help us out. We found quite a few things that are not necessary but that would help make our life a little easier. If you would like to check it out, we are registered at myregistry.com under Dru or Brandi Wolfe.   I used other mom's registries as a guide to making ours.

Although we don't need a lot of things, we still want to celebrate the fact that we are a bringing a baby into this world!  We are doing this by having blessingway-type celebrations.  We are not asking for gifts but more for support and love.  Figuring out what we need is making me very excited and I can't wait to get together with our family and friends to celebrate! 

How did you/are you going to celebrate the upcoming arrival of your baby?  What do you think is essential for a baby registry? 

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Having Trouble Bonding with Baby

This pregnancy has been hard on me to say the least. I was very sick for a long time. I still am sometimes. I get bad headaches on a regular basis. While miscarrying the twin, I had terrible cramps and pains and bled for weeks and weeks. I am just starting to get some energy back so I feel like I've missed out on a lot of life the past few months. My hormones are crazy and I have been an emotional wreck. I feel like I'm always on edge. I am trying my very best to enjoy this pregnancy but it feels more like a chore that needs to be over with than a beautiful experience.
With the miscarriages this pregnancy hardly feels real. Well, the pregnancy feels very real but the fact that there is a baby doesn't feel real. Maybe I've kept from bonding because I was too scared to fall in love and then lose it again.
My pregnancy with Ila was pretty rough but I had no problems bonding with her. I would talk to her and dream about her. I just couldn't wait to meet her. I would have a hand on my belly most of the day and hardly a moment would go by that I wouldn't think about her. I know I have her right in front of me and she keeps me very busy but I still feel like I need to have more of a bond with this baby. I am very aware that I am pregnant at all times I just don't think about the baby as much as I would like. So I am going to try a few things to make sure our bond grows.
I am going to talk to the baby everyday. I am just going to narrate what I'm doing to the baby so he/she knows what's going on out here. When I feel the baby move, I'm going to tell him/her that I love to feel those little kicks. I'm going to tell the baby goodnight every night the same way I tell Ila, by going over our day and saying our favorite parts and then saying I love him/her and I hope he/she sleeps well. I am going to do more prenatal yoga. I'm going to encourage Ila to bond with the baby more by talking, singing, and making gifts for the baby. I'm going to write the baby letters. I used to write Ila letters when I was pregnant. I am going to encourage Dru to bond more with the baby. He used to read to Ila every night when she was in my belly. We already read to Ila every night we'll just have to focus on the baby, too. Lastly, I'm going to take time to just sit and be with the baby. I'll dream about the future and imagine kissing little toes and smelling that sweet baby smell.
We have an ultrasound coming up and I'm sure that will help. Also, as the baby gets bigger and the kicks get stronger, I'm sure it will be easier to bond. I am hoping taking time to do these things will help me feel a strong, loving bond that will grow throughout our lives.
How did you bond with your baby? Do you have anymore ideas? Pin It

Hospital, Birth Center, or Homebirth

Ila was born in a hospital and although it was a beautiful experience, I know it could have been better. I feel like I spent a lot of my time saying no. No, I don't want an epidural, no, I don't want pitocin, no, don't take my baby yet, no, we don't want any shots, no, I don't want my baby to sleep in the nursery so I can get more sleep. Most of the nurses were very supported although they didn't understand why we wouldn't want to do some of these things. The worst part was being stuck in the hospital for thirty some hours after giving birth. I just know I could be in a more supportive, encouraging atmosphere.

We explored our options and thought about doing a homebirth. For one thing, we do not know where our home is going to be. Our house is on the market (shoot me) so we don't know if we will still be living here, an in between apartment, or a new house. Another thing is the price. Although a homebirth is the cheapest option, most insurances don't cover it. Our insurance isn't the best and I have had trouble figuring out exactly what they would cover. I have friends that had to pay for it out of their own pockets and their insurance companies have taken up to a year to reimburse them. I would love to be in the comfort of my own home and completely believe in the benefits of a homebirth, it's just not going to happen this time. Maybe someday.

The birth center is a wonderful option when you want a natural experience but homebirth is not an option. When I experienced my miscarriage, they were very supportive and I felt very comfortable there. With this pregnancy, they have been very supportive and understanding. They are very natural minded and there is not even an option for an epidural. What surprised me, were all of the natural pain relief options. The hospital has narcotics and an epidural. The birth center has many options that don't have side effects. One of these options is what really sold us on the birth center. The birth tub. It is a big beautiful tub with candles and soft lights all around it. They say the baby should enter the world in the same loving atmosphere in which it was conceived.

Dru can't wait to get into the tub and be more involved in the labor and delivery. He has the option to catch the baby and place him/her on my chest or he can be behind me and the first thing the baby sees are both of the people that love him/her more than anything. We'll see what happens in the moment.

Another great thing is that we can leave within hours after the birth. Dru won't have to sleep on some pathetic chair-turned-bed and Ila won't have to be away from us for days. We can all sleep in our bed at our home.

I know what you're thinking. What if something bad happens? For one thing, in a healthy, normal pregnancy the hospital is actually one of the most dangerous places you can go. When you go against nature and try to intervene constantly, you are way more likely to end up with a c-section or just a terrible, traumatic birth experience. The hospital is where people go that are sick. The birth center doesn't have emergency situations. They know well ahead of time if a trip to the hospital is needed and head over there. The hospital is only about a mile away and the hospital works with the birth center to make sure everything goes well. The midwife doesn't just drop you off and leave. She stays with you at the hospital for support.

I am very much looking forward to the birth of our sweet baby. I am not afraid of birth. It is a beautiful, amazing, empowering experience. I am so glad we found a place that is not only supportive of the experience we want but actually encourages it. Pin It

My Story of Loss and Love Part IV

Ultrasound to get a due date. This explains so much. There is an empty sac. We had twins. We lost one. It explains all of the bleeding. It explains the empty feeling I had. It explains my sadness and how I knew I lost a baby.
I had a feeling I was going to have twins before I even became pregnant. I had dreams. I had a feeling. When I thought about the baby, I usually thought about two. When the first ultrasound only showed one baby, I thought I was just crazy.
I cried. I was just as sad this time as when I miscarried last time. I didn't think I would be. I am distracted this time because I have a healthy baby growing inside of me. I still get to be pregnant. I still get to have a baby. Some people feel as though I've dodged a bullet. Twins are hard. Some people act like it's no big deal. But you still have a healthy baby. Some people ignore it completely. That is my baby. I will love him/her forever.
Now I get to wait. Either my body will absorb the empty sack or I will experience full miscarriage symptoms. I just get to wait. It could be soon or it could be weeks or possibly months. More waiting. Lovely.
It is a struggle to mourn the loss of one twin and be grateful for the other. The surviving twin should be just fine. There is no reason to worry. Yeah, right. I will worry about this baby until I can hold him/her in my arms and then will start an entirely new set of worries.
Three weeks later. Another ultrasound. Already double the ultrasounds I had with my first pregnancy. I have been bleeding on and off. I was told this would happen. That doesn't mean I don't worry. I still sometimes let myself think the worst. Only for a moment. I also let myself think crazy thoughts. I stare at the empty sac. I try to make it look like there's a baby in there. I squint and think that maybe the twin just wasn't in a good position to be seen. I know this is not true.
I am extremely nervous. I lay down. There is our miracle. Moving and shaking. The baby is fine. Growing beautifully and right on schedule. The sac is still there but is much smaller. Almost gone. This should mean that the bleeding will stop soon. I hope so. Still bittersweet but I am so relieved that the baby is fine. The song we danced to at our wedding is playing when we get in the car. Sweet beautiful music as we smile.
I am finally in my second trimester. I did not know if I would get here. I thought that once I got here there would be huge relief. There is some but not as much as I wanted. I will allow myself to look at the future as though the baby is definitely coming, not as if it might. I will be thinking of names and imagining my future with a baby. I will start preparing for this little miracle. I will start celebrating our sweet baby and the love we have for it. Pin It

Kristen's Story

Kristen is a sweet mama friend of mine that has the most adorable, I mean ADORABLE little boy. This is her story.

We were finally pregnant!! We had been trying for 6 months and it finally happened. Now 6 months isn't a long time, but we had gotten pregnant immediately when we merely discussed the idea of starting to try with our son. So 6 months was 6 times that long. My pregnancy with my son had been so easy and uneventful really so I wasn't expecting anything less than the same journey. A week later, on a weekend, I noticed a little blood. I was certainly a little scared but knew what any Dr would say, ' some bleeding is completely normal'. I hadn't seen my Dr yet for a first appointment, so to them I wasn't a patient yet. I relaxed for the weekend knowing full well that in the back of my head if this is REALLY happening, there's not a whole lot they can do to stop it. I went in on Monday and had blood work done and an ultrasound. It was so early that all they could see was that there was indeed a small cluster of cells in my uterus. It hadn't implanted, as it shouldn't have at this point, so that was actually very comforting. It was better than nothing being there. So I went home and waited for the blood work. I had a follow up appointment in a few days for another ultrasound and blood results. The receptionist sat me in the ultrasound waiting room. I waited for a little bit before she came and got me and then I realized how ignorant she was. She asked me to go back to the other waiting room, that I wouldn't need an ultrasound because, 'I think you know what happened'. Yep, that's what she said. I wish I would have had the power to fire her right there. So I waited for my dr, she checked me out and made sure everything had cleared out on its own and said I was free to try again when I stopped bleeding.

I left that appointment heartbroken and feeling dumb. These things don't happen to me, isn't that what we all think? They happen to other people but we're invincible? I also felt so stupid for thinking that i was really pregnant and expecting that everything would be fine. However, I'm a realist. I held my head high knowing that this wouldn't stop me and it was just a blip in our radar. Eye on the prize. My husband and I took a short relaxing weekend trip to his parents house while they were away to just deal with it and get away from the real world. On our way home from this trip, we got the call that we'd be moving to Maryland. A week later my husband moved and I stayed in SC to let our son finish his school and spend more time with family.



do you know how hard it is to schedule short trips based on an ovulation span of 12 days?? I do, and I did. I had an egg, but my sperm was 9 hours away.

Ok!! It couldn't possibly happen two times in a row, right? In May we found out we were pregnant again! I was sure these things didn't happen twice in a row, what are the odds? Apparently, better than I knew. We found out we were pregnant and about a week later I had plans to meet my husband on a weekend trip to DC to celebrate his birthday. It was going to be a great trip and we were looking forward to it. The night I arrived, I started bleeding again. I held it together for the sake of my husband, he knew what was happening, but I put on a happy face somehow. We survived the weekend but I know we were both thinking about the elephant in the room the whole time. When I got back home I was so relieved to be able to get out my emotions. I am the strong one And I just felt I had to keep up that facade with him. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but that's what I did. I'm not good with emotions so I just hide them typically and this extreme situation was no exception. Some blood work and another appointment with the dr confirmed again that everything had happened on it's own and there was no surgical intervention necessary. Again, we were allowed to try again immediately. And again I was heartbroken and feeling stupid.



June was a big month. After finishing his school year, our son and I moved to MD to the rental my husband had. I immediately made a 'baseline' appointment with my old dr (we had previously lived in MD about two years prior). I just wanted to discuss the blood work my previous dr had suggested and also let him in the know of where I stood in terms of pregnancies. Everything was good down there and he was fine with running the simple blood tests to check for a couple of things. He mentioned that if I really wanted to he would put me on clomid but he wasn't pushing for it and I told him I didn't think I was quite at that point yet. That blood work came back normal. It's slightly frustrating and comforting at the same time. I'd much rather have something to fix than nothing to fix.

And a couple weeks later I'm pregnant. Third times the charm right? I hate all these sayings we have. It's only convenient when they're fitting and really annoying when they don't. The sad thing is, at this point, a positive pregnancy test isn't even exciting anymore. I said, I'm pregnant, and that was it. Nothing to be said but silently thinking, here we go again. So I cautiously made it through the first week and the second week and the third...even though I hadn't had an appointment yet, I was hesitatingly starting to spread the news. At this point the baby should have a heartbeat and after it has a heartbeat your odds of miscarriage go down greatly, so I was starting to let myself get excited. We had our first appointment at 9 weeks. We were literally sitting in the waiting room talking about baby names. We go back and the dr is acting like she's just going through the motions, yea yea do this every day, and as soon as the baby came up on the screen I knew. It wasn't in the shape of a baby. It was a cocoon. And there was no flicker to be found. The drs face immediately fell as she stumbled over her words. She measured it and it was only measuring 7 weeks. The baby died. It had a heartbeat at one point to make it to that far along, but it's heart stopped beating at 7weeks. This was not something I was expecting at all. We had made it through the first 10 day hurdle that we'd had previously, I thought we were in the safe zone. I was allowed to get dressed and then immediately head to the waiting room again to wait to schedule the 2nd opinion ultrasound and also the D&C. I know some people want to wait it out, but I felt like a fraud walking around wi a dead baby inside of me. I just wanted to get it out of me. If I could have ripped it out myself right there I would have. It made me feel like a fool. Silly woman thought she had a baby in her belly. Hysterical.

We sat in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant bellies. I had to text the babysitter to stay an extra 6 hours while we had the next ultrasound and was able to be alone. We arrived at the hospital and the ultrasound tech was a real gem. I think her best attempt at 'consoling' me was to tell me about the woman that she saw the other day that lost her baby at 40 weeks. Thank you, something else to worry about. She confirmed the original diagnosis and even brought in an upper level guy to give it a look.

We had the D&C the following day. We had our fetus sent off for testing and would have a follow up for those results and to talk options. Going in, I didn't want to know the sex of the baby because I thought if I didn't think of it as specifically a son or daughter it would be easier. Our baby had a genetic disorder called Turners syndrome. This disorder only affects females. It was our daughter we had lost. Fortunately, and unfortunately obviously, it's not hereditary and wasn't related to me or my husband genes. It's total 'luck'. And there's nothing we need to change going forward. Again, this is so frustrating. I would love to have an action plan besides, go home and have sex with your husband like you've been doing for the past year. Clearly we don't have a problem getting pregnant. My friend joked that I'm pretty fertile! The irony is that I'm having a hard time staying pregnant.


I sit here and write this 14 weeks pregnant. 2011 was shitty. But it has given us a parting gift, a peace offering that I hope to meet in August. We've had lots of appointments. All are luckily very routine And nothing out of the ordinary. I dont want to seem like a martyr, I survived this because I had to. Now that we've had this journey, I know when I hold my baby in my arms it will all be worth the wait. Once he or she gets here I would do anything for them, I just happened to start that 'anything for them' before they ever were.

I have a beautiful son to come home to and if what we experienced was the norm and he was the crazy part, that we were able to have a baby, I'd take it every day. The last loss was the hardest, in part because it just made me realize how easily it can go awry. In my head, I was so close to having a child with special needs and that was, honestly, scary. You take for granted the fact that it was easy the first time, you feel like you've earned a healthy baby and it's your right. It's nobody's right.

I had friends and family along the way that admitted they didn't what to do or say. My recommendation? Take the lead of woman it happened to. Some may want to cry on your shoulder and have you just listen to them. Others just want to move forward and you treat then normal, like you always would. Whatever you do, don't shy away from them just because it's a little awkward. If you want to, ask them what they want you to do. I had a friend ask me just that. She said, 'I don't know what to say or do'. I really appreciated that she wanted to talk to me but didn't know how to act. We know the stereotypical things before you say them and, to me, they're insincere because of that. Not to mention, in the moment, you don't appreciate that it's in a better place, or it wasn't meant to be. Honestly, screw that, I wanted THAT baby.

You do move on, but you always wonder what those babies would have brought into your life. Pin It

My Story of Loss and Love Parts II & III

Part II

Days go by, then weeks. We are sad but at peace. Midwife says go for it and boy do we. Negative tests. I'm taking too many. I'm obsessing. Take a break. My birthday, three am. I have to pee. The tests are right there. Take one, it's been almost a week. I pee on it. The lightest line in the world shows up. Is this real? I want to cleverly surprise him. I need someone to tell me I'm not crazy. I wake him. He sees it, too. We hold each other.
The fear sets in. I call for blood work. I go in. I sit in the same chair. The same chair they've been taking my blood to watch the levels go down. The needle goes in, the blood comes out. The midwife seems doubtful. I wait. They call. My levels are there but low. We'll do another test next week to see if this is a new pregnancy or still the old one. What the hell is that? Oh, yeah. No problem. We'll just wait A WEEK! Which just happens to be Christmas!
My symptoms are coming. I'm sick. I wasn't last time. Does that matter? Probably not. A week goes by. She tells me my levels are excellent as if I had something to do with it. A moment of breathing followed by fear. I need to see a heartbeat. I can't think until I've seen a heartbeat. Of course there will be a heartbeat. But why would there be? I was just on the wrong side of the statistics. Why would this be different? Why would it go so smoothly this time? There has to be a heartbeat.
I'm not living. Just existing. Going through the motions. Wishing away time. It's not working. Time drags on. Will I ever know? Do I want to know? Am I ready if it's bad news? No, I'm not. Can I handle it? Probably not.
The time is here. Time to find out. I count down the hours. Three hours until my life changes. Two hours. Good or bad? I've made it. I walk back. Heart beating out of my chest. I lay down. Warm gel on my belly. Immediately I see my baby. Then, the most beautiful site. That's a heartbeat. A perfect, beautiful heartbeat. Is this real? Relief. I can breathe. I can live. I can enjoy this time. I can dream of my next miracle. Happiness overwhelms me. Our baby is healthy. We're having a baby. I can say it now. We're having a baby!

Part II

OK, crazy lady. You get five days. Five days of joy. Then the bleeding starts. Really?!?! Light at first then heavy. It's brown. Everything says that's normal. As long as it's not bright red. Now it's bright red. As long as there isn't any pain. Now there is pain. I am losing my baby. Again. This time I saw my baby. The heartbeat. It's not just a cluster.
I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Like I'm wasting everyone's time. I know the baby is not alright. Please be alright, baby. I promise to love you. To hold you. Forever. You will be safe with me. Ask your sister. We're not too bad. Please hold on. I understand if you cannot stay. I hope I provided you with a warm loving home. I hope you have not been scared. I hope you can feel the love we have for you.
I don't call anybody. I don't want to go in and not be able to see a heartbeat on the screen. I don't want anyone to tell me what I already know. I don't want to hear the words. I don't want to see the sadness in their faces. I have my first appointment in a little over a week. I'll just wait.
The bleeding slows down and then stops. Within a week. I don't know what this means. Is this good? Is this bad? I still feel extremely pregnant. The pain wasn't as bad as last time. It didn't last as long. I was sure when it was over last time. This time I know it isn't over. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. So I just wait. I kind of pretend the bleeding never happened. I have felt like I was pretending that I was pregnant this whole time. Why not a few more days?
Time for the appointment. I feel like a fraud. I shouldn't be here. Waiting for my appointment as if everything is fine. I feel like I'm pretending. The appointment is normal. Now it's time to listen to the heartbeat. It's still early, the midwife says. She searches. She searches and searches. She seems determined to find our baby's heartbeat. I feel my heartbeat throughout my body. That's all she can pick up. It's still early, she says again. I'm worried but try to act like I'm not. She says we can do an ultrasound. Bless her. I walk into the room again. This place has been good and bad. What will it be today? I can see the baby but the midwife is searching. Searching. Searching. Squinting. Finally, she smiles. She points to the little flutter. Then the baby moves. It jumps around. It waves its little arms. That's my baby. Growing just fine. Moving around and waving at us. This is real. I deserve to be here. I think everything's going to be OK. We're going to be OK. Our baby's going to be OK. Our baby's going to be. Pin It