Kristen's Story

Kristen is a sweet mama friend of mine that has the most adorable, I mean ADORABLE little boy. This is her story.

We were finally pregnant!! We had been trying for 6 months and it finally happened. Now 6 months isn't a long time, but we had gotten pregnant immediately when we merely discussed the idea of starting to try with our son. So 6 months was 6 times that long. My pregnancy with my son had been so easy and uneventful really so I wasn't expecting anything less than the same journey. A week later, on a weekend, I noticed a little blood. I was certainly a little scared but knew what any Dr would say, ' some bleeding is completely normal'. I hadn't seen my Dr yet for a first appointment, so to them I wasn't a patient yet. I relaxed for the weekend knowing full well that in the back of my head if this is REALLY happening, there's not a whole lot they can do to stop it. I went in on Monday and had blood work done and an ultrasound. It was so early that all they could see was that there was indeed a small cluster of cells in my uterus. It hadn't implanted, as it shouldn't have at this point, so that was actually very comforting. It was better than nothing being there. So I went home and waited for the blood work. I had a follow up appointment in a few days for another ultrasound and blood results. The receptionist sat me in the ultrasound waiting room. I waited for a little bit before she came and got me and then I realized how ignorant she was. She asked me to go back to the other waiting room, that I wouldn't need an ultrasound because, 'I think you know what happened'. Yep, that's what she said. I wish I would have had the power to fire her right there. So I waited for my dr, she checked me out and made sure everything had cleared out on its own and said I was free to try again when I stopped bleeding.

I left that appointment heartbroken and feeling dumb. These things don't happen to me, isn't that what we all think? They happen to other people but we're invincible? I also felt so stupid for thinking that i was really pregnant and expecting that everything would be fine. However, I'm a realist. I held my head high knowing that this wouldn't stop me and it was just a blip in our radar. Eye on the prize. My husband and I took a short relaxing weekend trip to his parents house while they were away to just deal with it and get away from the real world. On our way home from this trip, we got the call that we'd be moving to Maryland. A week later my husband moved and I stayed in SC to let our son finish his school and spend more time with family.



do you know how hard it is to schedule short trips based on an ovulation span of 12 days?? I do, and I did. I had an egg, but my sperm was 9 hours away.

Ok!! It couldn't possibly happen two times in a row, right? In May we found out we were pregnant again! I was sure these things didn't happen twice in a row, what are the odds? Apparently, better than I knew. We found out we were pregnant and about a week later I had plans to meet my husband on a weekend trip to DC to celebrate his birthday. It was going to be a great trip and we were looking forward to it. The night I arrived, I started bleeding again. I held it together for the sake of my husband, he knew what was happening, but I put on a happy face somehow. We survived the weekend but I know we were both thinking about the elephant in the room the whole time. When I got back home I was so relieved to be able to get out my emotions. I am the strong one And I just felt I had to keep up that facade with him. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but that's what I did. I'm not good with emotions so I just hide them typically and this extreme situation was no exception. Some blood work and another appointment with the dr confirmed again that everything had happened on it's own and there was no surgical intervention necessary. Again, we were allowed to try again immediately. And again I was heartbroken and feeling stupid.



June was a big month. After finishing his school year, our son and I moved to MD to the rental my husband had. I immediately made a 'baseline' appointment with my old dr (we had previously lived in MD about two years prior). I just wanted to discuss the blood work my previous dr had suggested and also let him in the know of where I stood in terms of pregnancies. Everything was good down there and he was fine with running the simple blood tests to check for a couple of things. He mentioned that if I really wanted to he would put me on clomid but he wasn't pushing for it and I told him I didn't think I was quite at that point yet. That blood work came back normal. It's slightly frustrating and comforting at the same time. I'd much rather have something to fix than nothing to fix.

And a couple weeks later I'm pregnant. Third times the charm right? I hate all these sayings we have. It's only convenient when they're fitting and really annoying when they don't. The sad thing is, at this point, a positive pregnancy test isn't even exciting anymore. I said, I'm pregnant, and that was it. Nothing to be said but silently thinking, here we go again. So I cautiously made it through the first week and the second week and the third...even though I hadn't had an appointment yet, I was hesitatingly starting to spread the news. At this point the baby should have a heartbeat and after it has a heartbeat your odds of miscarriage go down greatly, so I was starting to let myself get excited. We had our first appointment at 9 weeks. We were literally sitting in the waiting room talking about baby names. We go back and the dr is acting like she's just going through the motions, yea yea do this every day, and as soon as the baby came up on the screen I knew. It wasn't in the shape of a baby. It was a cocoon. And there was no flicker to be found. The drs face immediately fell as she stumbled over her words. She measured it and it was only measuring 7 weeks. The baby died. It had a heartbeat at one point to make it to that far along, but it's heart stopped beating at 7weeks. This was not something I was expecting at all. We had made it through the first 10 day hurdle that we'd had previously, I thought we were in the safe zone. I was allowed to get dressed and then immediately head to the waiting room again to wait to schedule the 2nd opinion ultrasound and also the D&C. I know some people want to wait it out, but I felt like a fraud walking around wi a dead baby inside of me. I just wanted to get it out of me. If I could have ripped it out myself right there I would have. It made me feel like a fool. Silly woman thought she had a baby in her belly. Hysterical.

We sat in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant bellies. I had to text the babysitter to stay an extra 6 hours while we had the next ultrasound and was able to be alone. We arrived at the hospital and the ultrasound tech was a real gem. I think her best attempt at 'consoling' me was to tell me about the woman that she saw the other day that lost her baby at 40 weeks. Thank you, something else to worry about. She confirmed the original diagnosis and even brought in an upper level guy to give it a look.

We had the D&C the following day. We had our fetus sent off for testing and would have a follow up for those results and to talk options. Going in, I didn't want to know the sex of the baby because I thought if I didn't think of it as specifically a son or daughter it would be easier. Our baby had a genetic disorder called Turners syndrome. This disorder only affects females. It was our daughter we had lost. Fortunately, and unfortunately obviously, it's not hereditary and wasn't related to me or my husband genes. It's total 'luck'. And there's nothing we need to change going forward. Again, this is so frustrating. I would love to have an action plan besides, go home and have sex with your husband like you've been doing for the past year. Clearly we don't have a problem getting pregnant. My friend joked that I'm pretty fertile! The irony is that I'm having a hard time staying pregnant.


I sit here and write this 14 weeks pregnant. 2011 was shitty. But it has given us a parting gift, a peace offering that I hope to meet in August. We've had lots of appointments. All are luckily very routine And nothing out of the ordinary. I dont want to seem like a martyr, I survived this because I had to. Now that we've had this journey, I know when I hold my baby in my arms it will all be worth the wait. Once he or she gets here I would do anything for them, I just happened to start that 'anything for them' before they ever were.

I have a beautiful son to come home to and if what we experienced was the norm and he was the crazy part, that we were able to have a baby, I'd take it every day. The last loss was the hardest, in part because it just made me realize how easily it can go awry. In my head, I was so close to having a child with special needs and that was, honestly, scary. You take for granted the fact that it was easy the first time, you feel like you've earned a healthy baby and it's your right. It's nobody's right.

I had friends and family along the way that admitted they didn't what to do or say. My recommendation? Take the lead of woman it happened to. Some may want to cry on your shoulder and have you just listen to them. Others just want to move forward and you treat then normal, like you always would. Whatever you do, don't shy away from them just because it's a little awkward. If you want to, ask them what they want you to do. I had a friend ask me just that. She said, 'I don't know what to say or do'. I really appreciated that she wanted to talk to me but didn't know how to act. We know the stereotypical things before you say them and, to me, they're insincere because of that. Not to mention, in the moment, you don't appreciate that it's in a better place, or it wasn't meant to be. Honestly, screw that, I wanted THAT baby.

You do move on, but you always wonder what those babies would have brought into your life.