Protect Your Child from Sexual Abuse

I have always had an irrational fear of being sexually assaulted. I assume there is a serial rapist hiding around every corner, in every bush, and down every ally. Once I had a daughter, my fear turned to her being sexually assaulted. One in four girls are sexually abused before the age of 18. For boys, it's one is six. That is terrifying. I assume there are sick pedophiles at the park, the store, the beach just waiting for me to turn my back for a moment. While this is occasionally true, 90% of child sexual abuse happens with someone the child has a trusting relationship with. Alright, now I'm scared to death. I feel extremely helpless. It's easy to tell my daughter not to talk to strangers and to not get into a white van with a creepy guy offering candy. How am I supposed to protect her from someone she trusts?

Thankfully, there are lots of things you can do to protect your children from sexual abuse, but you are probably doing things that can actually put them in harms way. I was. There are a few things that have really stuck out to me. One is to define the role of the adults your child is around and let your child know what that adult's responsibilities are. This is the example by Parents for Megan's Law:

Your 7-year-old child plays baseball. You can define the role of the coach by first evaluating the responsibilities within the role of the coach by first evaluating the responsibilities within the role he assumes in your child's life. He teaches your child how to field the ball, how to throw and how to be a good sport. The baseball coach should not be picking up and dropping off your child alone for baseball practice because it blurs the boundary.

This is hard. I don't think the coach is a sexual predator or I wouldn't let my child around him, but this has nothing to do with whether or not this coach is planning to abuse your child. This is teaching your child that there are boundaries and that they should not be crossed. If you allow your child to be alone with this coach, your child could become confused about what role he plays and where the boundary is. Then if the coach, or anyone your child trusts, takes him to his home alone, asks him to remove clothing, or do anything inappropriate, your child might not know where the boundary is. By clearly defining it early on, you can make sure it never gets to that point.

I used to be afraid I would hurt someone's feelings or be offensive. Guess what? I would rather offend an innocent person than allow my child to be harmed. It's not about trust either. It's not about living in fear that every person you know wants to harm your child. Trust everyone with your child, but trust them only within the limits and boundaries of the responsibilities you have defined in the role they play in your child’s life.-Parent's for Megan's Law.

There are a few rules on the website that really stood out to me. One of them is that children should be able to name their body parts. We have always talked about our body parts using proper terminology. No cutesy names. We have vulvas and boys have a penis. As she gets older, she will learn each part of her vulva including labia, clitoris, and vagina.

Another rule is the check first rule. We have told grandparents that while they are watching our daughter, if she says she needs to check with us first, CALL US! I don't care what time it is or where I am. I don't care if she says she needs to call us to make sure it's alright she has broccoli for dinner. If she wants to check with us, I will gladly let her know if it is alright or not. I will not tell her that it is obviously alright and that if grandma says it's alright that it is.

One of the big rules for me is the no secret rule. We have decided that our house is a no lies house. We do not tell lies about anything to anyone. (I have a post coming up about that later.) We do not keep secrets. Children can't tell the difference between a “good” (I don't think there are any) secret and a bad secret. If you want to surprise someone, don't let your child in on the surprise until the last minute. I know it can be fun for parents and grandparents to have little secrets. Grandma might give her grandchild ice cream for breakfast and declare it “our little secret”. This is not okay. Asking a child to keep a secret from anyone but especially their parents is detrimental. If it is something you don't think the parents would approve of, don't do it in the first place. If it is something you don't think the parents will care about, why are you trying to keep it from them?

Children must trust their inner voice, especially that yucky feeling. I never make my daughter go near anyone she feels uncomfortable around. This can be really hard when she hasn't seen her family for months and great-grandma just gave her an amazing gift. Everyone expects her to run over and give her a big hug and kiss. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. I never make her or bribe her. I never imply that the gift deserves a hug. She usually comes around and everyone gets a big hug. Our family is not lacking in affection from our daughter. She knows that if she doesn't want to be touched by somebody, that she shouldn't be. Let your children listen and trust their inner voice, and you do the same.

I encourage you to go to this website where you can learn more about the rules I wrote about and more. Protect you child. http://www.parentsformeganslaw.org/public/prevention_childSexualAbuse.html

Of course, even if you do everything you can, sexual abuse can still occur. There are many signs of sexual abuse and actions to take. Darkness to Light is an amazing organization that has a lot of good information on preventing sexual abuse and also signs to look for and actions to take if you suspect abuse. There is a seven steps program you can download. Prevent Child Sexual Abuse - Darkness to Light

Lastly, watch out for all children. Look for signs in other children. Chances are, you know a child that is being sexually abused. Make sure to clearly define your role in a child's life and don't blur that boundary. You know you are not going to harm the child but by blurring the boundaries, you might confuse the child. Trust your instincts and encourage others to do the same.